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Inside

 Raging, rolling, doubling inward Collapsing inside of itself My feelings tell me I'm in crisis, But I look around and everything is still. How am I here? I feel like I'm somewhere else. Peace comes and goes like it was never here, The joy gone and replaced by cringing anxiousness, I feel I have made a mistake. What can I buy, what can I do, what can I fix, To mend this error of mine? I am not justified, and I must be, Especially when I am as lonely as I am. But I look around, and the air sighs, Dust settling everywhere because there is no storm to roll in and upset it. I blink and blink, processing my emotions, But there's too many feelings and too much to do. I dive under when the light comes out, And I resurface, shaking, when the light has gone stale. It feels to me like someone has gone and injected a syringe of burning agitation in my frontal lobe, Tearing the peace out and letting the toxin spread. What is it? Do I have to know?  Can I just be rid of it? I am too old
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May 19 3:00 a.m. The Glass Jar

The smallest of wishes, Timeline blurred, Just to get thinner So they'd stop making fun of my curves So they'd stop laughing behind my back So they'd stop choosing other girls to be their friend I tried and I tried and no change Everything stayed the same More veggies didn't cut it, Neither did playing outside all day, So what was the secret? I would find a shallow answer years later. A time I will not tell about left me breathless, h ollowed-out inside and hopeless, I gave up eating for pleasure,  Gave up my femininity, Gave up not disciplining myself. I took this seriously, peddling for hours Drinking only diet coke, no happiness inside of me, the results? A horrific piece of art, One crafted by a joyless existence and trauma, One not understood by others, Who thought me to just be losing that baby fat, Who supported me but didn't get the seriousness of it all. I will never measure up to their standards, Which denied me the love I sought i
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Dear trauma.

Dear trauma. You abused me. You spit on me when you promised to love me. You looked the other way when I was in need of help.  I was wounded and then came to the realization that the closest people to me have hurt me deeper than their love could reach. So I ran. For my life. But in the process I nearly killed myself. Starved. Ran. Walked for miles for no real reason. Looked for God in the darkness. Hope came in the night most often. Songwriting, bonfires with other troubled souls, happy moments coming and going with my beloved protectors who watched out for me and helped me to get back up after being knocked flat on my back. You took all you could from me. Then you pointed your finger at me and made my heart bleed. Dear trauma. You never believed me. My pleas were silenced by the hopelessness you caused within me. More than a voice I witnessed, you cruelly pursued me and tried to torture me into a place so dark that all I had was you. Well, you suck, quite fran
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Hope and other shallow things

Image
Rise up and go about your business Do everything neat and right It's not sustainable so you'll need some rest Wallow in a puddle clutching your espresso Stop playing pretend for long enough to breathe Friends, all they see Is the face you made yourself Coyly crafting an image unbreaking Always in the right, confident and smart Powerful gait and saying all the right things But you know you've got about 8 hours And the mask falls off Because it's not possible To hold yourself up on your own So much pride built up in yourself But there's so much dishonesty there Underneath the image you show At the end, you'll snap to your senses And the outcome is regret Because you haven't been yourself yet.
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