May 19 3:00 a.m. The Glass Jar
The smallest of wishes,
Timeline blurred,
Just to get thinner
So they'd stop making fun of my curves
So they'd stop laughing behind my back
So they'd stop choosing other girls to be their friend
I tried and I tried and no change
Everything stayed the same
More veggies didn't cut it,
Neither did playing outside all day,
So what was the secret?
I would find a shallow answer years later.
A time I will not tell about left me breathless,
hollowed-out inside and hopeless,
I gave up eating for pleasure,
Gave up my femininity,
Gave up not disciplining myself.
I took this seriously, peddling for hours
Drinking only diet coke, no happiness inside of me,
the results? A horrific piece of art,
One crafted by a joyless existence and trauma,
One not understood by others,
Who thought me to just be losing that baby fat,
Who supported me but didn't get the seriousness of it all.
I will never measure up to their standards,
Which denied me the love I sought in my weakness.
I found purpose, and a focus, in whittling down my will and body,
But the wheels of the bike spun far too fast,
And every smiling face on TV told me to work off my ass.
I lost myself in the numbness,
Forgetting the pain and the confusion,
And I turned to something I could understand,
A disease, which grew up out of me one sad night,
One that promised to get me through the pain unscathed.
Well,...
Pills, so many pills, so little food, and always moving my poor body and never giving it rest, and I almost died.
Daily seizures, fainting in the shower,
And yet, it meant nothing to me.
I was tuning out anything that reality screamed at me.
Unless it was hope offering her hand,
I would persist in the form of losing myself to this false hope.
I lost all of my friends, except the ones I chose to let in,
Who helped me heal on the surface,
Though there were gashes and deep wounds under the surface.
I will be forever grateful for their presence and love.
I am in recovery from anorexia and bullimia.
If you don't know what it's like, read this poem,
Magnify the pain, and lessen the hope,
And you get a tiny picture of it all.
Anorexia is a mental illness, one that can be triggered by trauma,
Extreme circumstances, or sometimes, nothing at all causes it's formation.
Those who think we are more vain, proud, even, of our selfish lusts?
You don't understand that the disease perpetuates an addictive 'draw' towards those things,
And that this perceived 'vanity' is actually the sickness of the disease trying to manifest and grow.
Once we ask for help, and recieve treatment,
Being is possible for a percentage,
But there are some people who will not be cured, either completely or much at all.
But emotional healing is still largely important,
And having friends and family who love you and don't blame you or enable you is helpful even in circumstances where little help can be received.
It is too traumatic for me to see or hear from other anorexics in the middle of their sickness and who are not showing outward signs of healing,
And so I have never met another like me who I have become close with.
Fear of people acting senseless and ignorant to our needs,
Fear of being shamed or pressured into eating ("look, it's JUST a burger...!"
Or other insensitivity can cause further isolation in eating disordered people. It's true, we want validation, love, and support in healing at the pace WE want to heal at. Which might mean it takes longer than your mom snapping her fingers and then cue a happy picture of you eating a toasted sandwich she made.
It might mean having kids is not an idea we should (for both our sake's) entertain.
But it does not give you the right to find our flaws, find our weaknesses, and then pick on us. That makes you cruel and abusive, and so not helpful, in fact, you are the very end we are trying to avoid.
So if you think that picking out our flaws and telling us about them is helping us, YOU ARE WRONG. It doesn't help. It only adds fuel to the raging fire.
There are a million ways to help, and the best way to find out how is not through Googling it, talking to a therapist, or doctor, but to go to the person and ask them how you can support them, how you can help them, and what you can do to make them feel comfortable with you and their surroundings. Earn their trust by being trustworthy. Don't share their private information with others because you are worried or anxious. If you have a big concern, pray about it, talk to the person involved, or withhold the identity and details of the situation to the person you are asking for help.
Anorexia and bullimia are potential deadly diseases, and therapy, emotional processing, and expressing emotions and feelings that are in the 'sick' category are all very helpful towards healing. Before I leave, I will expound on that 'sick' category I just mentioned.
During healing, many modern doctors and therapists do NOT consider, sadly, that healing is complex and that there will be recovery AND relapse. Some modern doctors even include relapse as a part of the recovery steps a patient must go through.
Healing is complex and there will be good AND bad, right AND wrong that will happen to a patient, and if only the right is mentioned, and only the good is considered recovery, there will be little if any actual progress made. I cannot emphasize this enough. Find a doctor and therapist who understand how complex and MESSY recovery is.
Love,
The Corner Girl
Timeline blurred,
Just to get thinner
So they'd stop making fun of my curves
So they'd stop laughing behind my back
So they'd stop choosing other girls to be their friend
I tried and I tried and no change
Everything stayed the same
More veggies didn't cut it,
Neither did playing outside all day,
So what was the secret?
I would find a shallow answer years later.
A time I will not tell about left me breathless,
hollowed-out inside and hopeless,
I gave up eating for pleasure,
Gave up my femininity,
Gave up not disciplining myself.
I took this seriously, peddling for hours
Drinking only diet coke, no happiness inside of me,
the results? A horrific piece of art,
One crafted by a joyless existence and trauma,
One not understood by others,
Who thought me to just be losing that baby fat,
Who supported me but didn't get the seriousness of it all.
I will never measure up to their standards,
Which denied me the love I sought in my weakness.
I found purpose, and a focus, in whittling down my will and body,
But the wheels of the bike spun far too fast,
And every smiling face on TV told me to work off my ass.
I lost myself in the numbness,
Forgetting the pain and the confusion,
And I turned to something I could understand,
A disease, which grew up out of me one sad night,
One that promised to get me through the pain unscathed.
Well,...
Pills, so many pills, so little food, and always moving my poor body and never giving it rest, and I almost died.
Daily seizures, fainting in the shower,
And yet, it meant nothing to me.
I was tuning out anything that reality screamed at me.
Unless it was hope offering her hand,
I would persist in the form of losing myself to this false hope.
I lost all of my friends, except the ones I chose to let in,
Who helped me heal on the surface,
Though there were gashes and deep wounds under the surface.
I will be forever grateful for their presence and love.
I am in recovery from anorexia and bullimia.
If you don't know what it's like, read this poem,
Magnify the pain, and lessen the hope,
And you get a tiny picture of it all.
Anorexia is a mental illness, one that can be triggered by trauma,
Extreme circumstances, or sometimes, nothing at all causes it's formation.
Those who think we are more vain, proud, even, of our selfish lusts?
You don't understand that the disease perpetuates an addictive 'draw' towards those things,
And that this perceived 'vanity' is actually the sickness of the disease trying to manifest and grow.
Once we ask for help, and recieve treatment,
Being is possible for a percentage,
But there are some people who will not be cured, either completely or much at all.
But emotional healing is still largely important,
And having friends and family who love you and don't blame you or enable you is helpful even in circumstances where little help can be received.
It is too traumatic for me to see or hear from other anorexics in the middle of their sickness and who are not showing outward signs of healing,
And so I have never met another like me who I have become close with.
Fear of people acting senseless and ignorant to our needs,
Fear of being shamed or pressured into eating ("look, it's JUST a burger...!"
Or other insensitivity can cause further isolation in eating disordered people. It's true, we want validation, love, and support in healing at the pace WE want to heal at. Which might mean it takes longer than your mom snapping her fingers and then cue a happy picture of you eating a toasted sandwich she made.
It might mean having kids is not an idea we should (for both our sake's) entertain.
But it does not give you the right to find our flaws, find our weaknesses, and then pick on us. That makes you cruel and abusive, and so not helpful, in fact, you are the very end we are trying to avoid.
So if you think that picking out our flaws and telling us about them is helping us, YOU ARE WRONG. It doesn't help. It only adds fuel to the raging fire.
There are a million ways to help, and the best way to find out how is not through Googling it, talking to a therapist, or doctor, but to go to the person and ask them how you can support them, how you can help them, and what you can do to make them feel comfortable with you and their surroundings. Earn their trust by being trustworthy. Don't share their private information with others because you are worried or anxious. If you have a big concern, pray about it, talk to the person involved, or withhold the identity and details of the situation to the person you are asking for help.
Anorexia and bullimia are potential deadly diseases, and therapy, emotional processing, and expressing emotions and feelings that are in the 'sick' category are all very helpful towards healing. Before I leave, I will expound on that 'sick' category I just mentioned.
During healing, many modern doctors and therapists do NOT consider, sadly, that healing is complex and that there will be recovery AND relapse. Some modern doctors even include relapse as a part of the recovery steps a patient must go through.
Healing is complex and there will be good AND bad, right AND wrong that will happen to a patient, and if only the right is mentioned, and only the good is considered recovery, there will be little if any actual progress made. I cannot emphasize this enough. Find a doctor and therapist who understand how complex and MESSY recovery is.
Love,
The Corner Girl
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